Man Down: Part Three, Or Tequila Bill II

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales

Man Down: Part Three,
Or Tequila Bill II

Sitting on the patio facing the eighteenth green, after a round of golf with one of our larger Friday crowds of twenty-two or so, we were discussing our drinking habits. Joe, an Army Ranger who had some experience in this area, challenged anyone to match him shot for shot, in drinking and in golf. For some strange reason that none of us could fathom, a person whom we formerly respected and considered intelligent, took up Joe’s challenge. We will call this brave fool, Tequila Bill II.

The rules of the match were finalized. Each player would play golf and drink Tequila. The two were comparable in their golfing ability, and it was decided that for every shot of tequila one fell behind, that person would sacrifice a shot on the course. For example, let us say that, at the end of the day, Joe shot seventy-eight and drank fifteen shots of tequila. His net score, then, would be sixty-three. Let us say that, at the end of the day, Bill shot seventy-four but could stand no more than ten shots of tequila. His net score, then, would be sixty-four, one behind Joe.

Though everyone in the Hucks’ group was invited to participate, no one other than Joe and Bill took up what was dubbed “The Tequila Challenge.” The boys met at 11:45 a.m., before their 1:00 p.m. tee time, and began practicing golf and drinking shots of Tequila. The idea was to get down five or six shots before tee time so that the golf would at least be something of a challenge. After about four shots inside of just as many minutes, I heard Bill utter the infamous words, “Tequila doesn’t seem to affect me.” By the time the two teed off, Joe had consumed twenty-two shots of tequila. Bill was behind by four shots — what a slouch!

The Hucks have played a lot of different games, but the standard back then was a two-man team bet on the front, the back, and the overall eighteen. Everyone put their marked golf balls into a hat, and the Chairman simply picked two golf balls out at a time to determine the two man teams. It was a process of random selection. Oddly enough, though, through some miracle of the gods or through some manipulation on the part of the Chairman, Joe and Bill wound up as partners (As Chairman, I could disclose whether it was a miracle of the gods or manipulation, but I choose not to).

Wisely, Joe and Bill consented to playing in the last group. When Bill bent down to tee up his ball, he kept going all the way to the ground. Chuckling in a deep toned voice, reminiscent of Ed McMahon, Bill executed a face plant in the middle of the tee box. When he finally hit the ball, it went scampering off into the driving range, which is on the far left of the first hole. Bill and Joe stumbled into the cart; and on a “cart-path-only” day, they made their merry way, oblivious, right down the middle of the fairway. Actually, we were happy to see them take the middle of the fairway. After the first hole, Bill’s group called his wife, and Bill was taken home. Bill was done! His wife was sooo… proud! Joe crawled into a cart with a different driver and managed to make it nine holes, an unbelievable feat. There was a lot of sloppy vomiting, but his stamina was nonetheless impressive. He returned home in the midst of one of his wife’s parties. She, too, was very proud!

On the next day, I sent out the following email.

We had twenty players yesterday, but we collected money from only eighteen. With regret and shame, I inform you that two of our players did not leave their money for the day’s game. When we find out who they are, as punishment, I think we should make them drink twenty shots of tequila and force them to play golf. Oh …, okay, never mind. I think we have taken care of the issue.

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Joy Blomeley March 13, 2015 at 10:07 pm

These are the best stories ever!!!!
Can’t wait for your next chapter


Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. March 14, 2015 at 8:26 am

Thanks Joy! Glad you enjoyed! I’m sure someone from among the Hucks will soon emerge with another great act of stupidity!


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