Man Down: Part Four, or Mayhem

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales

Man Down: Part Four,
Or Mayhem

Every fall, near the end of October, the Hucks make a pilgrimage to play golf at Cuscowilla, on Lake Oconee, in north Georgia. Cuscowilla, or Cusci for short, is an appealing resort that features a challenging course completed in 1997 and designed by Bill Coore and Ben Crenshaw.

Over the years at Cusci, Hucks have been involved in several incidents that included broken convenience store doors, deputy sheriff visits, fist fights, and other rather questionable acts that took place off the golf course. The incident that draws attention in this story took place on the course.

The Cusci tournament starts on Thursday and ends on Sunday. The event has often been referred to as the Mobley Benefit Tournament because a character known as Mobley has claimed more than his fair share of victories. In fact, a Cusci rule, the Mobley rule, was enacted a few years ago in order to spread the victories around. According to the rule, every player except Mobley adds two strokes to his handicap.

Soon after the Hucks’ arrival, a character, who because of this story will be known as Mayhem or Stuntman, shifted into full vacation mode. He donned striking golf slacks that featured lime green sea horses against a white background, and he began drinking Crown Royal and Fireball shots. Mayhem shared a cart with T.P., and the two of them played with Fuji and Hollah.

On the fourth hole, the Hucks behind Mayhem took note of Mayhem’s striking slacks. Doc was assisting a first-time player, Bo Jam, by suggesting targets for tee shots. Not thinking about who was in front of him and with no intention of being sardonic, Doc pointed at Mayhem in the fairway and said, “Hit it toward that woman.”

On the seventeenth hole, Mayhem’s group began to notice some rather strange behavior. Mayhem had hit his tee ball into the high grass (referred to as “the Cusci”), and the group had spent some time locating his ball. Mayhem went to get a club to hit his next shot, but he neglected to leave his hat as a marker for the ball’s location. Also, for his journey to get a club, he decided to ignore proper golf etiquette and simply stagger through and fall into a sand trap that lay between him and the cart. After he retrieved a club and fell back through the trap, Mayhem could not, of course, relocate his ball. So, the group found the ball for a second time, at which point Mayhem decided that he required a different club. Once more, Mayhem stumbled back and forth through the bunker. T.P. and Fuji, by now, were amused to the point of shedding tears. Mayhem eventually hit his shot, and the group moved on.

On the eighteenth hole, T.P. left the cart, and Mayhem was on his own. Driving down toward the green, Mayhem hit a curb at a “Y” in the path and flipped the cart over onto its side. Alarmed by the sounds of the crash and subsequent scratching, as the cart slid along the path, T.P., Fuji, and Hollah ran to check on the stunt driver. They found him resting on his side and still holding onto the steering wheel as though he were not finished driving. They told him to let loose of the wheel and get out of the cart. He responded, “I can’t get out.” Fuji asked, “there are three openings in the cart, and you can’t get out?” They got Mayhem on his feet, still standing inside the boundaries of the fallen cart, but he could not determine which of three exits he should utilize: the back of the cart, the front of the cart, or the side of the cart – which, of course, was now actually the top of the cart. Mayhem eventually backed out through the front window of the cart. T.P., Fuji, and Hollah set the cart upright and finished the hole.

On the following day, Mayhem held a vague memory of having wrecked the cart but not much memory of anything else. When the Hucks went out for their Friday round, T.P. found his clubs on the same cart and thought, “Oh no, I’m getting blamed for scrapping up the cart.”

There are several players among the Hucks who have a goal of never appearing as a main character in one of my stories, and Mayhem does not ordinarily present himself a likely candidate for a “man down” or as someone who would be responsible for a “cart down.” His story, like the story of Tequila Bill II, should serve as a warning. Deep within everyone there is a “man down” waiting to pop up.

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

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