Corby Gets “Huckabucked”

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales


Corby Gets “Huckabucked”

With his sixtieth birthday approaching in mid-April, Corby was slavering all over himself and the rest of the Hucks at the prospect of playing from Golden Eagle’s white or “senior” tees. Corby is loveable human being who stands about five feet, seven inches high. He has a good short game, but despite a backswing that rests the club on the back of his neck, Corby is not known for his length off the tee box. Ricky Bobby’s son, “Little Richard,” once said of Corby that he was “deceptively short.” In other words, it looks as though Corby should be hitting the ball a lot farther than he does. Corby was tired of hitting woods into the greens on par-four holes, and he was obsessed with the dream of shortening the course by moving up to the white tees. Back in February, thinking of his upcoming birthday, Corby would point to the white tees and inform his playing partners that he would be hitting his tee shots from there soon. Corby’s playing partners would hear about this two or three times every round. A few of the Hucks and I conjured up a little ruse.

On a Thursday morning in late March, I sent out the following in an email to all of the Hucks except Corby.

Boys,

We’re going to play a little practical joke on Corby, and I write to let you in on the joke. If you have played with Corby lately, you know he is literally counting the days before he turns sixty and moves up to the white tees. Golden Eagle’s Vice President of Marketing has agreed to send the following out to Corby as though it came from the Golden Eagle Men’s Golf Association. Then, she is going to send it out to me, so that I can comment on it as I forward it to Corby and you guys. In order to support the authenticity of the email, let’s not overdo the responses. I want to hear Corby bitch about this for a day or two.

Roybob

Update from Golden Eagle MGA on Playing from the White Tees

As agreed, Golden Eagle’s Vice President of Marketing sent out the email to Corby and to me. I started with the reply, “Eeeew! Corby is not going to like this!,” and I forwarded my reply to Corby and the rest of the Hucks.

Ricky Bobby chimed in, “Wow!”

Doc responded, “That is not good news for Corby. He was really looking forward to playing from the white tees. By the time he reaches sixty-five, he may need to play from the red [ladies’] tees.”

Then, we heard from Corby. “THIS IS A PLOT AGAINST ME!!!!!!! I WILL TAKE THIS TO A HIGHER LEVEL!!!!!! I PROTEST!!!!!”

Double L, serving as President of Golden Eagle’s Men’s Golf Association (MGA) assured Corby, “…We did not make this decision in a vacuum. We consulted with the USGA and many other private clubs around the country, all of whom indicated they have made the switch because of new technology being introduced into the golf market. I just wanted you to know how serious we are in trying to make golf at Golden Eagle fair and equitable for all. I hope you will abide by the decision and still have fun playing this silly game we all love. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.”

Corby responded, “…I was joking. However, I guess all the promotion from the PGA about ‘play it forward’ was not given much thought from our MGA.”

Scratch came in with an upper cut. “Corby, you need to Man Up!!!!”

Hughbie had moved up to the senior tees himself, and in trying to lend credibility to the pseudo decision, he wrote, “This is awful news, now my handicap will go back to eight.”

Corby responded again, “I SAY IT IS A PLOT AGAIST ME!!!”

Ken, who was playing with Corby in a tournament during the upcoming weekend, encouraged Corby. “Come on partner get all fired up for this weekend! Show em you got game!”

Corby replied, “Not only will I have game this weekend I am giving up two strokes to play with you and we will still do well!” The tournament required a spread of no more than seven handicapped strokes. Corby was a nine handicap; Ken was a zero handicap. So, Corby, had to give up two shots to play with Ken.

I observed, “Giving up two strokes? That’s just like what you would do if you were able to move up to the white tees.” The course rating is two shots less from the white tees.

Corby shot back, “I don’t need those stinking two strokes. Ken, however, will need to play very well!”

Joe, biding his time, finally got into the banter. “Dang Corby, hardly seems fair. That would have shaved a stroke or two per hole for you, picking up all that distance.”

Corby joked, “The course simply could not hold me from the up tees!”

Doc stirred the pot. “Corby, you are taking this unfortunate news well. I do like what you said Sunday on first tee. ‘I can’t wait to move up. I’d like to know what it’s like to hit an iron to a green.’ I loved that one! Good luck this weekend on the SAME tees as the rest of us.”

Joe retorted, “Wait a minute. Corby often hits an iron into a green. And, then, a one-putt gives him par!”

Corby responded, “You are right Joe, and me hitting from the white tees just might be more than anybody could stand from a competitive point.”

Later in the evening, I sent out an email encouraging everyone to sustain the ruse up through the Hucks’ round on Friday, the following day. After the round on Friday, Double L presented Corby with an authentic looking letter from the United States Golf Association (USGA). The letter had been fabricated by Ken and came complete with feigned letterhead and signatures. It was addressed to Double L as President of Golden Eagle’s MGA, and it read as follows.

Thank you for your letter regarding Decision 14-6065-2012 on member play from the appropriate teeing ground as based on age guidelines.

I can assure you that extensive research went into this decision, and the Royal and Ancient Golf Club concurred with this decision during our annual conference, held at St. Andrews, in July, 2011. As stated in the decision, due to technological advances in the golf ball and golfing equipment, we believe that seniors should be defined as “those over sixty-five years of age.” Therefore, officially, only those who are sixty-five years and older should play from what Golden Eagle refers to as “the white tees.”

Additionally, we reviewed the history of Mr. Corby’s scores in particular. It would appear that he is actually as poor of a golfer as you indicated in your letter, and we do not think playing from the white tees will help him anyway. Our advice to Mr. Corby is that he seek professional help, take a month off, and then quit the game altogether.

Sincerely,

President,

USGA

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf