Crown Killer: An Open Letter to the Hucks

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales

Crown Killer:

An Open Letter to the Hucks

Men, it is with grave seriousness I report to you that we have been sheltering a Crown killer. No one likes to hear that kind of news, but I thought you should be aware.

Yesterday, as Fuji, Jeffrow, Druseppe, and I got to fifteenth hole, I ordered my usual Crown and diet with a twist of lime. On the sixteenth, Druseppe ran into a few problems. He hit trees on his second shot and chilly whomped his third. The rest of us were already on the green when Druseppe left his fourth shot, a chip, about ten feet short of the hole. It was then that the homicide occurred.

Druseppe threw his wedge at the carts – wham, dingle, dingle, dank! Fuji, over his putt, thought, “There’s no club cart over there, so that was either my private cart or Jeffrow’s.” I announced that I had become uncomfortable.

I putted out and went to Fuji’s cart. My “uncomfortableness” turned to despair when I saw that my Styrofoam cup of Crown had been decapitated, cut short, having had very little opportunity to provide me with delight. “Ohhhh,” I thought, “Where is God now?”

When I think of what my Crown went through at the moment of impact, I become verklempt. There my Crown was, sitting quietly in the cup holder, innocent, unsuspecting, not bothering anyone. Then, flying out of nowhere, here came an angry, violent wedge, slicing through the cup so that only a third remained. Ohhhh, the humanity!

There was no doubt as to who was responsible. The evidence was all right there: the decapitated cup, lid and straw laying on the floorboard, Crown spilt all over Fuji’s cart, the murderous club, with its grip covered in Crown splatter, next to the cart.

As if to rub salt in my wounds, Druseppe made his ten foot putt for bogey. If one is going to cause that much destruction, one should at least make double — if not triple.

Druseppe and I have always been on good terms with one another, but this incident will test our friendship. I will conduct an investigation to determine whether he has done this before. We may need to arrange an intervention. I hope we can get through this.

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Go

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. April 23, 2011 at 1:14 am

For the record, Corby wanted to know where he could send flowers. I told him that, in lieu of flowers ,he could contribute to the Roybob Crown Fund. Also, Druseppe atoned for his crime today by buying me a Crown. He and I are good again.


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