Get in the Cart!: When Golfers Reach Their Limits

by Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. on May 9, 2015

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales


Get in the Cart!:

When Golfers Reach Their Limits

All upper level golfers have had those days when they bend to the will of relatives or friends to play golf with those whose abilities are somewhat diminished. Those days are typically grueling, filled with hunts for lost balls and questions about rules. A foursome of this nature is difficult enough; consider, then, the appeal of a fivesome on a hot summer day.

During the dog days of summer, Fuji, myself, and three others (a father and two sons) ventured forth on a round of golf. One of the sons, whom we shall call Joe, was a good player. The other son and father, however, required a lot of strokes to negotiate the journey. We looked for balls, waited for practice swings, rendered yardages, read putts; and about five hours later, we arrived at the seventeenth hole. The day had taken its toll. Fuji, Joe, and I were ready to be done. We could see the clubhouse, with its store of “forget-about-it juice,” from the seventeenth green.

Seventeen is a “BALL BUSTER,” a lengthy par three featuring a green cushioned by bunkers on two sides and water on three sides. The bunkers and lakes, and combinations thereof, frequently ruin one’s otherwise good score.

Joe’s father, whom we shall call Kent, hit his tee ball left of the green and into the water. Due to where his ball entered the water, Kent was forced by rule to drop a ball for his next shot on the far side of a finger of water. He then plopped his third shot into that finger of water. He dropped again for what would be his fifth shot. Kent managed to clear the water this time, but not the bunker. Kent’s ball buried itself underneath the lip of the bunker next to the green. The rest of us, by this time, had become a bit impatient. The threads were wearing thin. Kent, however, climbed into the bunker and began examining what would be his sixth shot. Kent inquired, “Fuji, how would you hit this shot?” Fuji took off his hat, leaned back, and scratched his head. “KENT, IF THAT WERE MY BALL, I’D PICK THAT BITCH UP AND GET IN THE GOD DAMN CART!”

Kent did not heed Fuji’s advice; he made a nice eight on the hole. An expression, though, was born that day. The Hucks adhere to a triple-bogey maximum, and whenever a player reaches two over par, the Hucks will inevitably invite him to “GET IN THE CART!”

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

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Rain Man Loses Control Again

by Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. on April 18, 2015

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales


Rain Man Loses Control Again

In case readers missed the previous occasion when Rain Man lost control, they may find the story at the following link http://wp.me/P1m9Pp-DT. As my title suggests, Rain Man struck again. In contrast to the movie character after whom he earned his nickname, our Rain Man is not an “excellent driver.”

Recently, a couple of the Hucks got electric pull/push carts with remote controls. They wanted to get some exercise, but they did not want to carry their bags. I suppose it takes time to become accustomed to how the remotes and the carts operate. Yesterday (4/18/2015) Rain Man had a little issue on the eighteenth hole. Not yet an expert with the remote, Rain Main sent his pull/push cart over (yes, over) the eighteenth green and into the bunker on the back left. He got his “stop” and his “go” a little confused. Fortunately, this time, Rain Man had already eaten his spinach and apples.

The Hucks were their normally supportive selves. Metro rushed over to get some pictures.

Rain Main Loses Control Again Rain Main Loses Control Again

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

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Hioism: A Religion of Golf

by Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. on January 3, 2015

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Hioism: A Religion of Golf

Golf, I have strongly argued, can be construed as a religion. Religion is a symbol system for expressing that which is ultimate; and, in so far as Golf provides such a symbol system, Golf can be a religion with sacred realities, moral codes, rituals, sacred places, sacred objects, sacred texts, and sacred experiences. I have explored Golf as a religion in the third part of my book, Roybob’s Book on Golf.

Recently, I was contacted by someone who has actually established a religion of golf. His name is Cory Scheurich, and he is the Head Ace for the Infinite Paths First Convocation of Hioism at the Infinite Paths Hioist Course. “Hioism” is the name of the golf religion he has founded, but the etymology or meaning of the term is not made clear at his website: hioism.com.

The main god or “primary power” of Hioism is Par. Par is opposed by a rival power referred to as Bogey. Par desires that humans acquire enough wisdom and merit to enter his Pinnacle (Paradise), and Bogey desires that humans be tortured in Callow (Hell/Purgatory). Par and Bogey fight to influence and control humanity. “Spirits of the Course” (minor deities) are found in the wind, trees, sand, and water. The “Spirits of the Course” are also caught up in the battle between Par and Bogey.

They may work for Par, but they may also pull one toward Bogey. Through consultation of “Nine Guides” and the cultivation of “Eighteen Sacred Values” one hopes to walk closer to Par and distance oneself from Bogey. The “Nine Guides” include Balance, Outlook, Stance, Concentration, Aim, Relaxation, Assurance, Drive, and Acceptance, and the “Eighteen Sacred Values” include Honestly, Respect, Loyalty, Family, Patience, Compassion, Perseverance, Unity, Ambition, Dependability, Discipline, Equality, Faith, Selflessness, Humility, Morality, Restraint, and Growth).

The symbol of Hioism is stylized version of a ball sitting on a tee, symbolically pointing to balance, new beginnings, and the importance of following the right path.

HiosimTeeSymbol

The proper Hioist hand position for prayer is an interlocking golf grip, and it too has symbolic value.

HiosimPrayerSymbol

The “Oath of Hioism,” which a Hioist must promise, calls upon one to “assist Par in guiding Hioists on their path to enlightenment,” “to trust that Par has put [one] on the correct path,” to make sure that Par is always “the object of [one’s] praise and the core of [one’s beliefs].”

I find Head Ace Scheurich’s golf religion of Hioism to be very creative. I find accord with his “Spirits of the Course,” “Nine Guides,” and “Eighteen Sacred Values.” I also agree that the religion of Golf need not be an exclusive religion. In Mr. Scheurich’s words, “Hioism is not made for or expected to be the sole religion of any person. Members are encouraged to seek additional beliefs and spirituality through any means that fit them.” However, Hioism’s dualistic notions of Par and Bogey pose problems for me as does the notion of an afterlife in Pinnacle (Heaven) or Callow (Hell/Purgatory).

God, for me, is ultimate reality, and ultimate reality is Reality-itself, Energy-itself or Being-itself. Reality-itself did not stem from the Big Bang but rather was the basis for any Big Bang. From absolute nothing comes absolutely nothing. Since there is something now, something must have always been. The something that has always been is Reality-itself (God), the “Isness” of all that is. Reality-itself aims at the realization of beautiful occasions of experience; evil (Bogey) occurs when occasions are discordant to one degree or another or when they are less than they could have been. Reality-itself is expressed in realities that move from potential to actual and from actual to influential. Any afterlife is merely influential in nature, not subjective. Humans live on after death merely by the influence they exert on the actual course of events; they do not live on in some alternative reality as persons or subjects.

While I have differences with Hioism, I am happy to learn that others recognize in Golf the language for a religion. Further, I am delighted to find someone who has followed through with the establishment of a Golf religion. I have communicated with several people who find that Golf can be a symbol system for religion; until now I have not encountered anyone who has actually established such a religion. Hioism, I think, is a positive step toward the recognition of Golf as a religion.

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

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Man Down: Part Four, or Mayhem

by Roy M. Barineau, Ph. D. on November 15, 2014

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

Huck Tales

Man Down: Part Four,
Or Mayhem

Every fall, near the end of October, the Hucks make a pilgrimage to play golf at Cuscowilla, on Lake Oconee, in north Georgia. Cuscowilla, or Cusci for short, is an appealing resort that features a challenging course completed in 1997 and designed by Bill Coore and Ben Crenshaw.

Over the years at Cusci, Hucks have been involved in several incidents that included broken convenience store doors, deputy sheriff visits, fist fights, and other rather questionable acts that took place off the golf course. The incident that draws attention in this story took place on the course.

The Cusci tournament starts on Thursday and ends on Sunday. The event has often been referred to as the Mobley Benefit Tournament because a character known as Mobley has claimed more than his fair share of victories. In fact, a Cusci rule, the Mobley rule, was enacted a few years ago in order to spread the victories around. According to the rule, every player except Mobley adds two strokes to his handicap.

Soon after the Hucks’ arrival, a character, who because of this story will be known as Mayhem or Stuntman, shifted into full vacation mode. He donned striking golf slacks that featured lime green sea horses against a white background, and he began drinking Crown Royal and Fireball shots. Mayhem shared a cart with T.P., and the two of them played with Fuji and Hollah.

On the fourth hole, the Hucks behind Mayhem took note of Mayhem’s striking slacks. Doc was assisting a first-time player, Bo Jam, by suggesting targets for tee shots. Not thinking about who was in front of him and with no intention of being sardonic, Doc pointed at Mayhem in the fairway and said, “Hit it toward that woman.”

On the seventeenth hole, Mayhem’s group began to notice some rather strange behavior. Mayhem had hit his tee ball into the high grass (referred to as “the Cusci”), and the group had spent some time locating his ball. Mayhem went to get a club to hit his next shot, but he neglected to leave his hat as a marker for the ball’s location. Also, for his journey to get a club, he decided to ignore proper golf etiquette and simply stagger through and fall into a sand trap that lay between him and the cart. After he retrieved a club and fell back through the trap, Mayhem could not, of course, relocate his ball. So, the group found the ball for a second time, at which point Mayhem decided that he required a different club. Once more, Mayhem stumbled back and forth through the bunker. T.P. and Fuji, by now, were amused to the point of shedding tears. Mayhem eventually hit his shot, and the group moved on.

On the eighteenth hole, T.P. left the cart, and Mayhem was on his own. Driving down toward the green, Mayhem hit a curb at a “Y” in the path and flipped the cart over onto its side. Alarmed by the sounds of the crash and subsequent scratching, as the cart slid along the path, T.P., Fuji, and Hollah ran to check on the stunt driver. They found him resting on his side and still holding onto the steering wheel as though he were not finished driving. They told him to let loose of the wheel and get out of the cart. He responded, “I can’t get out.” Fuji asked, “there are three openings in the cart, and you can’t get out?” They got Mayhem on his feet, still standing inside the boundaries of the fallen cart, but he could not determine which of three exits he should utilize: the back of the cart, the front of the cart, or the side of the cart – which, of course, was now actually the top of the cart. Mayhem eventually backed out through the front window of the cart. T.P., Fuji, and Hollah set the cart upright and finished the hole.

On the following day, Mayhem held a vague memory of having wrecked the cart but not much memory of anything else. When the Hucks went out for their Friday round, T.P. found his clubs on the same cart and thought, “Oh no, I’m getting blamed for scrapping up the cart.”

There are several players among the Hucks who have a goal of never appearing as a main character in one of my stories, and Mayhem does not ordinarily present himself a likely candidate for a “man down” or as someone who would be responsible for a “cart down.” His story, like the story of Tequila Bill II, should serve as a warning. Deep within everyone there is a “man down” waiting to pop up.

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf

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The Hucks Through The Years

December 11, 2013

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf The Hucks Through the Years                         Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf  

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Book Review: Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes

August 12, 2013

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf Book Review: Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes: about Tiger, Phil, Bubba, Rory, Rickie, Jack, Arnie, and all the rest. See Roybob’s Ball Rating System Dick Crouser, Funny (but true) Golf Anecdotes, Meadowbrook Press, New York, 2012. The title describes […]

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Book Review: The World’s Only Collection of Great Golf Poetry

May 23, 2013

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf Book Review: The World’s Only Collection of Great Golf Poetry See Roybob’s Ball Rating System M. R. Henderson, The World’s Only Collection of Great Golf Poetry, Aldis Publishing Co., Los Angeles, 2007. The very title of the book reveals […]

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Book Review: Zen Golf: Mastering the Mental Game

May 6, 2013

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf Book Review: Zen Golf: Mastering the Mental Game See Roybob’s Ball Rating System Joseph Parent, Zen Golf: Mastering the Mental Game, Doubleday, New York, 2002. All the major religions of the world have divisions and subdivisions, and Buddhism, the […]

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Book Review: The Story of Golf

December 27, 2012

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf Book Review: Story Of Golf See Roybob’s Ball Rating System George Peper, The Story of Golf, TV Books, New York, 1999. The Story of Golf emerged as the companion volume to a PBS documentary (2000) of the same name. […]

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Book Review: Buddha Plays 18

December 26, 2012

Roybob’s Book on Golf: The Hucks, A Golfer’s Divine Comedy, and a Religious Philosophy of Golf Book Review: Buddha Plays 18 See Roybob’s Ball Rating System Edward Sarkis Balian, Buddha Plays 18, Second Edition, Silver Sky Publishing, Encinitas, California, 2011. The Buddha Plays 18 is an interesting book which, to some degree, resembles part of my […]

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